Friday, September 30, 2011

I might not be SFW

I have inappropriate thoughts a lot. All the time, in fact. But I consider it a sign of maturity that not every single inappropriate thought that shoots through my brain tumbles instantly out of my mouth.

Today, for example, I am succeeding in being very mature, and have managed to suppress two (2) thoughts which would probably not have been appreciated by their recipients.

At an award breakfast this morning promoting injury prevention, a speaker talked about the thousands of people killed by injuries every year. "Imagine that in planeloads," she said. So my brain promptly envisaged these thousands of people, stepping out of the plane into empty space and falling to the tarmac - a hilarious visual (if you're me, and a bit broken). BUT I didn't vocalise this thought! (After all, I hadn't been served yet, and I wouldn't want to be kicked out before the food arrived)

And just now, a workplace masseuse gave me an in-chair massage - oh, sweet bliss! With only minor biting damage to my tongue, I didn't compliment her by saying "If slavery were legal, I'd buy you." Sure, I may have made her a bit uncomfortable, when she asked if I'd like a massage, and I replied "yes, yes, a thousand times yes!" But by my standards, that was practically a normal thing to say.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Everyday Heroes

Because there are not enough puppies stuck in burning buildings for us all to rescue, thus showing off our heroic natures to the admiring world, I'd like to institute awards given for acts that are ever so slightly less awesome, yet still altogether praiseworthy.
That was a long sentence...
These awards are based on my own limitations, and the occasions that I have overcome them.
I know, I'm great.
Yes, I do accept gifts.

Award for Returning Library Books on Time
(I have only earned this a few times in my life, I'm afraid)

Award For Returning Library Books Only Slightly Late, But Well Before I Started Receiving Angry Notes
(Still only a few times)

Award For Getting Overnight DVDs Back The Very Day They're Due
(It's happened at least once)

Award For Eating The Regulation 5 Veg And 2 Fruit Daily
(Actually, I'm not sure if I've ever managed this)

Award For Eating Any Fruit And Veg At All
(Maybe I shouldn't be so proud of this one really)

Award For Taking The Rubbish Out Before The Bin Becomes Dangerously Overloaded

Award For Feeding The Cats Before They Start Giving Me Death Glares

Award For Getting Out Of Bed When The Alarm First Goes Off, Or At Least After Only One Snooze

Award For Cooking Dinner, Even After Takeaway Has Been Suggested

Award For Resisting Chocolate Once The Idea Has Taken Hold

And so on...

What awards do you deserve?